COMPENSATION OR RECOMPENSE?

I have had my share, as I am sure many of you have, of experiences with leadership in different bodies of believers  using their position to bolster their sense of importance. There is something heady about being called a "leader" or "Pastor" or any of the other myriads of titles, some scriptural, some not, that accompany a platform of ministry.

Recently, I was invited to a gathering of leaders in my city, and as I read the invitation, I found creeping into my soul a self-satisfaction and pride regarding the fact that I was recognized as a "leader". I'm grateful for the grace of the Holy Spirit that allowed me to discern it and right away I repented. And I found myself repenting of and breaking agreement with not only pride, but the insecurity, the rejection and the seeking the praise of men that the pride had found in me to land on. I invited the Holy Spirit to come into those places in my soul that were clearly marked by past wounding so that they could be healed by Him, when I heard Him speak one word that was so profound and powerful to me. It was the word "Compensate".

And I suddenly understood that all pride in ministry is a vehicle the enemy can use as we allow it to "compensate" for what we feel we either lack or have suffered in the past. The Lord told me to look up the definition of the word "compensate" and the definitions were very telling.  

Give (someone) something, typically money, in recognition of loss, suffering, or injury incurred; recompense.

Reduce or counteract (Something unwelcome or unpleasant) by exerting an opposite force or effect.

Act against (something) in order to reduce its force or neutralize it.

 

These definitions spoke directly to what I had been doing. I was giving myself a feeling of self-importance to "reduce or counteract" the "unwelcome or unpleasant" emotions attached to the lack of importance and rejection I felt I'd suffered in others' eyes or in their treatment of me. I was compensating for what I felt I was owed for the "loss, suffering, or injury incurred" in past ministry experiences.

What really struck me as I read the definitions, though, was the word "recompense." I was immediately reminded of Isaiah 40:10. "See, the Sovereign Lord comes with power, and He rules with a. mighty arm. See, His reward is with Him, and his recompense accompanies Him."   

I understood that by trying to compensate myself for what I felt I deserved, I wasn't trusting that the Lord would compensate me for whatever injustice or suffering I had experienced. It reminded me of what Yeshua said when He told us in Matthew 6:6 "But when you pray, go into your room, close the door and pray to your Father, who is unseen. Then your Father, who sees what is done in secret, will reward you."

Our Father not only sees what is done in secret by us, but also what is done in secret TO us. He is the Rewarder. He is the One we are to look to for recompense.  Our believing in Him for this is actually equated with faith that pleases Him in Hebrews 11:6 where it states, "And without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to Him must believe that He exists and that He rewards those who earnestly seek Him."

Recently when I was having a quiet time, I recounted the many leaders in different congregations and church settings who had hurt me. And the Lord broke in and said to me, "It was because they were insecure."  And then it dawned on me that, yes, that made total sense. In order to feel more important, they felt the need to put me down or put me in my place when the Holy Spirit would come forth through me. For one thing, I was a woman, and that is a common issue in churches. Misinterpretation of the scriptures has given male leaders the excuse to misuse their positions and authority to "compensate" for ways they might have felt other women in their lives didn't show them the respect they felt they deserved as men. And men do desire respect. It's why in Ephesians 5 wives are told to "respect" their husbands while husbands are told to "love" their wives. The Lord knows the needs of every heart. But where it goes awry is when those things are demanded of people entrusted to our spiritual care and we manipulate them into giving us those things we need. And because we all still have our flesh that we are called to die to daily, we are all capable of trying to compensate for what we feel we lack instead of looking to and trusting the Lord to compensate us. As we are told in Galatians 5:16 "So I say, walk by the Spirit and you will not gratify the desires of the flesh." And isn't that what seeking to compensate ourselves really is? Self-gratification? Yet, we are encouraged in Romans 8:13-14 "For if you live according to the flesh you will die, but if by the Spirit you put to death the deeds of the body, you will live. For all who are led by the Spirit of God are sons of God."

This seeking recompense and reward for ourselves to shore up our insecurities can only be resolved by being led by the Holy Spirit. When left unchecked, it is truly a work of the flesh. And, unfortunately, it has a domino effect in the body of Messiah.

For example, if a Pastor makes a woman feel rejected and unseen, that woman, if she doesn't forgive right away and seek the Lord for His love and counsel to heal that wound, now has a landing strip for the enemy to influence her to rebel and treat her next leader harshly because he now "owes" her for what she suffered from the last male leader. Then that leader, if he has any untended wounds from other women, will believe all the more that women need to be put in their place and forced into submission. And that continues the vicious cycle, for now this woman also has her fears and judgments of male leaders confirmed...and so on...and so on. This is one of the ways the enemy sows discord in the body and seeks to divide us.

This pattern of self-compensation and demanding others pay for the sins committed against us in the past is very apparent in the fiery furnace called marriage. If a woman's father was abusive and she comes into a marriage unhealed and still resentful, it is almost guaranteed she will seek her pound of flesh from her husband who will find to his dismay that no matter how much he shows love or seeks to prove his affection for her, it is never enough. That hole in her heart left unfilled by her father can never be filled up except with the love of her true Father. And so, the marriage is poisoned by dissatisfaction and hopelessness.

At the very heart of this desire to compensate and reward ourselves is a lie that we are believing. That lie is "I deserve it! I deserve to be respected! I deserve to be loved! I deserve to have others know how important I am!"  And in all that, we forget that what we really deserve is hell. And that what we really deserve was placed on Yeshua's back and head and feet and hands and side, and even on his soul in the Garden of Gethsemane where, in His anguish, He agreed to receive what we deserve!

And so, I would ask you, please, for the sake of His Name and Glory; for the sake of the ministry God is calling you to; for the sake of those placed in your care and sphere of influence, invite the Holy Spirit to counsel you and bring to light any way you believe and are walking in this lie. It will bring such freedom, true humility and an ability to serve those around you without an agenda. I am still asking Him to do that for me. 

And if we are sons and daughters of God, that is truly the desire of our hearts and our reward--to be shining examples of who He is and lights in this dark world. Shalom.